After years of hearing how worthless I was, of walking on eggshells and praying I didn't do anything to make him mad enough to hit me, I have a hard time being loved. Sure I finally drug myself out of that mess and my husband would never even raise his voice to me, it is still hard. I find myself avoiding disagreements and shutting down emotionally. I am so used to shutting off my emotions and reactions. I learned to just give him what he wanted and walk away. I could cry later when he wasn't around. I hate that I ever did that. I hate that hid my feelings, that I let him take that part of me away. I am struggling to get that back. I know it must be hard to love someone who has been through abuse. I don't always have reactions that make sense. I have irrational fears and extreme anxiety in many cases. Innocent things trigger those old memories and I shut down. I take myself back to that emotionless dark place in my mind so I can avoid the pain of what will surely come nex...
Ramblings of a mother.