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Love is Hard.

After years of hearing how worthless I was, of walking on eggshells and praying I didn't do anything to make him mad enough to hit me, I have a hard time being loved. Sure I finally drug myself out of that mess and my husband would never even raise his voice to me, it is still hard. I find myself avoiding disagreements and shutting down emotionally. I am so used to shutting off my emotions and reactions. I learned to just give him what he wanted and walk away. I could cry later when he wasn't around. I hate that I ever did that. I hate that hid my feelings, that I let him take that part of me away. I am struggling to get that back.

I know it must be hard to love someone who has been through abuse. I don't always have reactions that make sense. I have irrational fears and extreme anxiety in many cases. Innocent things trigger those old memories and I shut down. I take myself back to that emotionless dark place in my mind so I can avoid the pain of what will surely come next. Only it doesn't come anymore. There are no more fists or backhands. No more objects flying at my head. No more hateful words slicing through my ears. And still I am terrified and I shut down. I don't know how to stop it.

How do you make yourself feel worthy of love? How do you stop the fear that you have been so accustomed to? I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm trying. Day after day, I am trying to drown out those memories and go back to that girl I used to be. I'm trying to learn how to be loved instead of abused. I'm not there yet but I hope to be soon.
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