So I had brain surgery back in 2008. I have this thing called Chiari Malformation I. It is where my cerebral tonsils extend down into my spinal canal. It was what had been causing my headaches, migraines and other symptoms I've had since I was 4 years old. So a few months after my diagnosis, I had had surgery. They cut open the back of my head, removed part of my skull and top vertebrae and opened up my dura. A month later I had to have an additional surgery to fix a spinal fluid leak. For a while I felt a lot better. I still had bouts of bad headaches, but overall it improved my life. The surgeon who did my surgery pretty much told me I was cured and wouldn't need to see me again. Here I am, 11 years later, meeting back with a different neurosurgeon. Apparently my cerebellum is herniated just as far again. They also said it looks to be fused with my brain stem, which is also herniating into my spinal canal. The doctor called this Chiari 1.5 They let me know I have a connecti
After years of hearing how worthless I was, of walking on eggshells and praying I didn't do anything to make him mad enough to hit me, I have a hard time being loved. Sure I finally drug myself out of that mess and my husband would never even raise his voice to me, it is still hard. I find myself avoiding disagreements and shutting down emotionally. I am so used to shutting off my emotions and reactions. I learned to just give him what he wanted and walk away. I could cry later when he wasn't around. I hate that I ever did that. I hate that hid my feelings, that I let him take that part of me away. I am struggling to get that back. I know it must be hard to love someone who has been through abuse. I don't always have reactions that make sense. I have irrational fears and extreme anxiety in many cases. Innocent things trigger those old memories and I shut down. I take myself back to that emotionless dark place in my mind so I can avoid the pain of what will surely come nex