Skip to main content

Posts

Chiari Malformation

So I had brain surgery back in 2008. I have this thing called Chiari Malformation I. It is where my cerebral tonsils extend down into my spinal canal. It was what had been causing my headaches, migraines and other symptoms I've had since I was 4 years old. So a few months after my diagnosis, I had had surgery. They cut open the back of my head, removed part of my skull and top vertebrae and opened up my dura. A month later I had to have an additional surgery to fix a spinal fluid leak. For a while I felt a lot better. I still had bouts of bad headaches, but overall it improved my life. The surgeon who did my surgery pretty much told me I was cured and wouldn't need to see me again. Here I am, 11 years later, meeting back with a different neurosurgeon. Apparently my cerebellum is herniated just as far again. They also said it looks to be fused with my brain stem, which is also herniating into my spinal canal. The doctor called this Chiari 1.5 They let me know I have a connecti
Recent posts

Love is Hard.

After years of hearing how worthless I was, of walking on eggshells and praying I didn't do anything to make him mad enough to hit me, I have a hard time being loved. Sure I finally drug myself out of that mess and my husband would never even raise his voice to me, it is still hard. I find myself avoiding disagreements and shutting down emotionally. I am so used to shutting off my emotions and reactions. I learned to just give him what he wanted and walk away. I could cry later when he wasn't around. I hate that I ever did that. I hate that hid my feelings, that I let him take that part of me away. I am struggling to get that back. I know it must be hard to love someone who has been through abuse. I don't always have reactions that make sense. I have irrational fears and extreme anxiety in many cases. Innocent things trigger those old memories and I shut down. I take myself back to that emotionless dark place in my mind so I can avoid the pain of what will surely come nex

Intro into my Life

Never did I imagine I would be able to say I have 5 kids. I remember being 15 years old and telling everyone I was never having kids. That was most likely due to the fact that I had 5 brothers and sisters and was burnt out on babysitting and sharing literally everything. Yet here I am, with 5 kids, still sharing everything. Technically I only birthed 4 of them, but step kids count too. Little backstory, I am 36 years old and just recently had my 4 th boy. He was a surprise baby, the best surprise in the world, but still a surprise.   My other 3 boys are 17, 16 and 13 years old and my step daughter is 15. I thought for a while trying to find the best way to document my new baby journey and the rest of my chaotic life and I decided what better way than a blog. Having a baby at 35 is a lot different than having a baby at 23, let me tell you. Pregnancy is much harder on your body, and then not getting enough sleep almost kills you. But then you see those big baby blues and that cr