Skip to main content

Intro into my Life


Never did I imagine I would be able to say I have 5 kids. I remember being 15 years old and telling everyone I was never having kids. That was most likely due to the fact that I had 5 brothers and sisters and was burnt out on babysitting and sharing literally everything. Yet here I am, with 5 kids, still sharing everything. Technically I only birthed 4 of them, but step kids count too. Little backstory, I am 36 years old and just recently had my 4th boy. He was a surprise baby, the best surprise in the world, but still a surprise.  My other 3 boys are 17, 16 and 13 years old and my step daughter is 15. I thought for a while trying to find the best way to document my new baby journey and the rest of my chaotic life and I decided what better way than a blog.

Having a baby at 35 is a lot different than having a baby at 23, let me tell you. Pregnancy is much harder on your body, and then not getting enough sleep almost kills you. But then you see those big baby blues and that crooked grin and you forget that you’re exhausted and are suddenly filled with love. Luckily taking care of a baby is like riding a bike, so I already knew what I was doing.  Apparently parenting has changed quite a bit in 12 years and there are all different recommendations and new products that didn’t exist last time I had a baby. Luckily today we also have the internet to tell us how to do everything. I discovered there is a wonderful mommy community online that helps so much when you feel like you don’t know what you are doing. On the flip side, this mommy community can also be brutal. I’ve never been a helicopter parent, I try to let my kids be independent and following their lead in determining when they are ready for things. I usually follow doctor recommendations. I try to do the healthiest thing for my baby. I have made some bad choices in my past. Chose the wrong guy to spend my life with, twice. Dealt with abuse. I’ve been through shit and overcame so much so I don’t really want other moms judging me. I mostly lurk around baby boards. I don’t post much unless it’s something I feel will be helpful. I know, I know. If I don’t want to be judged, why would I start sharing everything in a blog? Honestly I thought it would be a good outlet. To deal with the struggles that I go through every day. Dealing with my past, my teens, my baby, my job, and all of the other crazy stuff in my life.

Anyway, a bit more introduction, I am Nicole. Blaze is my oldest son. I had him when I was 19. Landon came next, only 11 months later (yes I was on birth control). Their father (one of my bad choices) had a drug problem and couldn’t hold a job so he was never really in their life. I beat myself up about my choices constantly. But without my bad decisions, I would not have my wonderful boys. 2 years later I met my second bad choice. Although at the time he was wonderful. Treated me great, treated my boys great. I thought I was so lucky to find this great guy who loved me and my boys. I got pregnant again (yes I was on birth control) about a year later and we had another son, Trey, to add to the crew. Eventually I realized what a horrible person he was and after way too much physical, mental and emotional abuse for 10 years, I finally broke free.

Now I am in a happy marriage with a wonderful man and we have a new surprise bundle of joy, Dean. We both work full time. I get a lot of rude comments about how many kids I have and the fact that they have different fathers. I get the “Don’t you know what causes that?” comment a lot. Yes, yes I know how babies are made. I don’t appreciate the comments coming from people who don’t know me, so if that is why you are here, you can kindly stop reading now.  So there is my introduction. If you want to hear about my dysfunctional life, raising teenagers and babies or coping after abuse, then you should follow me.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Love is Hard.

After years of hearing how worthless I was, of walking on eggshells and praying I didn't do anything to make him mad enough to hit me, I have a hard time being loved. Sure I finally drug myself out of that mess and my husband would never even raise his voice to me, it is still hard. I find myself avoiding disagreements and shutting down emotionally. I am so used to shutting off my emotions and reactions. I learned to just give him what he wanted and walk away. I could cry later when he wasn't around. I hate that I ever did that. I hate that hid my feelings, that I let him take that part of me away. I am struggling to get that back. I know it must be hard to love someone who has been through abuse. I don't always have reactions that make sense. I have irrational fears and extreme anxiety in many cases. Innocent things trigger those old memories and I shut down. I take myself back to that emotionless dark place in my mind so I can avoid the pain of what will surely come nex...
Post a Comment
Read more

Chiari Malformation

So I had brain surgery back in 2008. I have this thing called Chiari Malformation I. It is where my cerebral tonsils extend down into my spinal canal. It was what had been causing my headaches, migraines and other symptoms I've had since I was 4 years old. So a few months after my diagnosis, I had had surgery. They cut open the back of my head, removed part of my skull and top vertebrae and opened up my dura. A month later I had to have an additional surgery to fix a spinal fluid leak. For a while I felt a lot better. I still had bouts of bad headaches, but overall it improved my life. The surgeon who did my surgery pretty much told me I was cured and wouldn't need to see me again. Here I am, 11 years later, meeting back with a different neurosurgeon. Apparently my cerebellum is herniated just as far again. They also said it looks to be fused with my brain stem, which is also herniating into my spinal canal. The doctor called this Chiari 1.5 They let me know I have a connecti...
Post a Comment
Read more